An X-Man's Worst Nightmare
by Chigliak
Summary: Professor Xavier promises Wolverine to Goth Gyrl, in marriage, in exchange for Goth Gyrl's car, The Crucifixxer; there is a coffee shortage in the X-Mansion; and Dubya Bush outlaws coffee.
1. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: If Marvel chooses to sue me, they can have all my money--all $11.23 of it.  
  
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Er, for all those people who don't recognize some of these names, here's a recap for y'all:  
  
Dubya Bush: Bush Jr.  
  
Goth Gyrl: one of my original characters...you can read her stories by just going through my profile.  
  
The Crucifixxer: Not a person, but a car...a very evil car.  
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An X-Man's Nightmare  
by Chigliak  
  
Gambit was kneeling on a countertop in the kitchen, rummaging through cabinets, looking for coffee.  
  
"Hurry up, Cajun," Wolverine growled, menancingly unleashing the claws of his right hand and waving them in Gambit's direction. "I want some coffee."  
  
Gambit started looking faster, not liking the thought of a face-to-face (face-to-claws?) meeting with Wolverine's claws. "Gambit hurryin'," he mumbled, "but Gambit not findin' da coffee." He got off the counter. "An'where."  
  
Wolverine glared at Gambit as if it was Gambit's fault there was no coffee.  
  
Cyclops and the Professor walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Good morning, Logan. Good morning, Remy," the Professor greeted the two.  
  
Cyclops looked half-asleep. "Is there any coffee?"  
  
"Non," Gambit answered. "We all out."  
  
The Professor looked alarmed. "All out?" he echoed. "This is a disaster!"  
  
"We must get more," Cyclops agreed.  
  
"To the Crucifixxer!" the Professor declared dramatically.  
  
"Er...Professor?"  
  
"Yes, Remy?"  
  
"Tha' X-Men ain't got no Crucifixxer. Dat car belongs to Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy."  
  
"Ah, Remy, you are mistaken. About a week ago, I had the honor of meeting those two."  
  
"HONOR?" Logan asked skeptically.  
  
"Well, no," the Professor admitted. "They were freaks."  
  
"I knew it," Scott said triumphantly. "Pay up, Gambit. We bet that the Professor would think Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy were freaks, and I won!"  
  
"Shut up, Scott," the Professor said. "And by the way, gambling is a bad example to the young people at this academy."  
  
"Does dis mean Gambit don' have to pay up?" Gambit asked hopefully.  
  
"SHUT UP, SCOTT!" the Professor yelled.  
  
"I didn't say anything!" Scott protested.  
  
"I know," the Professor said apologetically, "but that's just so much fun to say. You were right, Logan."  
  
Scott glared at Wolverine.  
  
Wolverine and Gambit started laughing.  
  
"Oh, and Logan," the Professor continued, "I promised Goth Gyrl your hand in marriage. That's how we got the Crucifixxer."  
  
A look of horror appeared on Wolverine's face. "Me? Marry Goth Gyrl? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Gambit looked relieved. "T'ank God it ain't Gambit!"  
  
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On the ride to the supermarket, the Crucifixxer ran over five girls wearing N'Sync shirts, seven guys who looked like clones of O-Town and 98 Degrees, and twelve girls who dressed to look like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.  
  
"Isn't there any way to keep this car from killing people?" Cyclops asked, as another girl clad in an N'Sync shirt was destroyed.  
  
"Dis is great," Gambit protested. "We be gettin' rid of all dem teenyboppers!"  
  
Logan was sullenly staring out the window, oblivious to all the commotion.  
  
"'Ey, Wolverine," Gambit elbowed him. "What's da matter? Gambit ain't heard one word from you since we left."  
  
"You'd be speechless too, Cajun, if you'd been promised to some freak like Goth Gyrl."  
  
"Ah, yeah," Gambit said sympathetically. "Gambit wouldn't like dat one bit, mes ami."  
  
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They got to the supermarket, and walked inside.  
  
"Where dey keep da coffee?" Gambit wondered.  
  
"Excuse me, miss," Cyclops said to a clerk. "Where do you keep your coffee?"  
  
The clerk blinked in surprise. "Haven't you heard the news?"   
  
"What news?" growled Wolverine, who just wanted to get the damn coffee and leave, so he could think about his upcoming misery of a life with Goth Gyrl.  
  
"Look," the clerk said, pointing to a tv surrounded by people.  
  
The three X-Men walked over to the tv and watched with horror as the new president, "Dubya" Bush, announced, "I repeat, my first action, as your president, is to ban coffee from this country."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
Author's Note: What do y'all want to have happen next? I'm opened to suggestion!  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: Blah. Feh. Zurl. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME PUT A DISCLAIMER HERE! Nah, nah, nah, nah. Bah.   
  
Author's Note: Feel free to give me suggestions of what you want to have happen. Just say so in the review.  
  
An X-Men's Worst Nightmare  
Part Two  
by Chigliak  
  
"From this point onward, coffee is banned," Dubya Bush continued.  
  
Little cries of outrage erupted from the crowd of shoppers.   
  
"They can't seriously expect us to go through with this, can they?"  
  
"I need coffee! It's the only way for me to maintain my sanity around the kids!"  
  
"Mon dieu!" Gambit exclaimed. "Without coffee, life just not worth livin'." He rushed to the cleaning department, grabbed a bottle of bleach, and attempted to drink it.  
  
"Gambit, no!" yelled Cyclops. He and Wolverine raced over to the aisle and wrestled the bleach bottle away from him.  
  
"You gone crazy, Cajun?" Wolverine demanded. "*I've* got to marry Goth Gyrl, but you don't see *me* trying to off myself."  
  
"Sorry guys," Gambit said sheepishly. "Gambit gone a little bit crazy there, for a min'ut."  
  
"Just stay calm," Cyclops told him. "We should go back to the Professor, and plan our next move."  
  
"Right," growled Wolverine. "I'm not letting some pantywaist sissyboy take away my coffee without a fight."  
  
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On the way back to the mansion, The Crucifixxer killed 22 Backstreet Boys fans.  
  
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"Outlawed coffee?" the Professor asked, in aghast. "You're kidding."  
  
"Non."  
  
"We need to find a way to stop this," the Professor mused, "but HOW?" Suddenly, he brightened. "I know!"  
  
"Oh, no," muttered Wolverine, having an idea of what was coming. "You wouldn't. Please tell me you won't-"  
  
"I'll call Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy! They'll help us."  
  
Cyclops' face fell. "Why THEM, Professor?"  
  
The Professor shrugged. "The author of this fanfic wants it," he explained. "We have no control over it."  
  
The four of them glanced around nervously, as if anticipating a visit from the author. When they didn't see her, they relaxed.  
  
"Damn you anyhow, Chigliak," Wolverine grumbled softly.  
  
"Logan, don't encourage her."  
  
The Professor wheeled his chair over to the computer, and sent a message to the Crazed Due. "Goth Gyrl, Bloodlust Boy, we need you!"  
  
Goth Gyrl's voice came on. "Who is this?" she asked, sounding groggy.  
  
Gambit elbowed Wolverine again, and snickered at Goth Gyrl. Wolverine smacked him.  
  
"Goth Gyrl, this is Professor Xavier. We have received terrible news. Dubya Bush, our president, has outlawed coffee!"  
  
A long pause came over the speakers.  
  
"Goth Gyrl?" Professor Xavier asked, thinking she'd been disconnected.  
  
"Omifuk!" Goth Gyrl screamed. "Is this the X-Men?!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You guys rawk! I watched your cartoon all the time, when I was little."  
  
"Cartoon?"  
  
"Yeah! It was on Fox."  
  
A grim look crossed the Professor's face. "That goddamned Fox channel...always screwing with us superheros. Making us sell-outs."  
  
"WB's doing the same," Goth Gyrl informed the Professor.  
  
"WB?!?!?! They're even worse than Fox. Damn them!"  
  
"Ah, Professor, Gambit thinkin' y'best get to th' point, and call them over."  
  
"Goth Gyrl," the Professor started again, "Dubya Bush has outlawed coffee. Will you help us fight him?"  
  
"You can count on it," Goth Gyrl promised. "No freakin' president's going to tell me if I can or can't drink coffee."  
  
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Because the X-Men now owned the Crazed Duo's car, and the Crazed Duo had no means of transportation, Cyclops, Gambit, and Wolverine had to pick up the two.  
  
The Crucifixxer ran over ten Britney fans.  
  
"Wolverine!" Goth Gyrl shrieked, throwing herself at him and wrapping her arms around him.  
  
Wolverine cringed, and uttered a noise between a whimper and a whine.  
  
As the car ran over yet another teenybopper, Cyclops and Gambit exchanged looks.  
  
This was going to be a long, long day.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the X-Men. Goth Gyrl, Bloodlust Boy, and the Crucifixxer all appear courtesy of Kalsedony Productions.  
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Author's Note: Shut up, Scott/Cyclops is a variation of Shut up, Jeff!, created by Satan himself, Chelan Hustman. Don't know if the site's still up, but if it is, have a look at it! http://www.angelfire.com/punk/shutupjeff  
  
No coffee was hurt in the making of this three-parter.  
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An X-Man's Worst Nightmare  
Part Three  
by Chigliak  
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Wolverine shoved Goth Gyrl away impatiently. "Get away from me!" he snarled, before walking over to the other side of the car.  
  
Goth Gyrl pouted for a few seconds, then headed to the front of the car, where Cyclops, Gambit, and Bloodlust Boy were.   
  
"So," she addressed them, "What's our plan?"  
  
Cyclops stopped the car abruptly, and they all exchanged looks.   
  
"Oh shit!" Bloodlust Boy exclaimed. "We don't *have* any plans!"  
  
"You mean we were just...?"  
  
"Heading into this without considering what we're going to do when we actually get there," Cyclops finished for her.   
  
"How about we just go to the White House and kill everyone?" Bloodlust Boy suggested. "We can take all the corpses and sell them as food."  
  
Everyone looked at him in disgust.  
  
Gambit retched. "You fucked up or what? That's nasty!"  
  
"Kid's got a point," Wolverine interjected from the back of the car. "You got any idea how much money we'd be makin' off a scheme like that?"  
  
"Wolverine, that is out of the question--" Cyclops began sternly, but was interrupted.  
  
"SHUT UP, CYCLOPS!" four people yelled at him.  
  
"Okay," Bloodlust Boy said. "All in favor of killing everyone in the White House and passing their corpses off as meat products, raise your right hand." Every hand except Cyclops's and Goth Gyrl's went up--she accidentally raised her left, but quickly corrected her action.  
  
"It's settled then! Let's go."  
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But before they set off on Operation Kill the White House, they recruited a few more people.   
  
"Who da 'ell is dis?" Gambit asked, at the three people Goth Gyrl had rounded up. There were two girls and one guy. The guy wore a t-shirt saying, "I'd Kill Dubya." The younger of the two girls had a Gambit doll and a Nightcrawler doll, and the older was a light-blue-skinned, purple-haired mutant woman looking at the whole scene disdainfully.  
  
Goth Gyrl did the introductions. "This is Natas," she said, pointing the guy. Then she headed to the younger girl. "This is Bandit." She then walked over to the mutant woman. "And this is...this is...um...I don't know your name. Sorry."  
  
"Rareza," the woman said, warily. "And why the hell am I here? Can you tell me this?" Before her question could be answered, she spotted Wolverine, smirked evilly, and floated over to him.   
  
"Wolverine!" she purred, "fancy meeting you again." She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked him in the eyes. "Did you miss me?" she asked, in her best seductive voice.  
  
"Not really. Once you were gone, I could obsess over Jeannie again."  
  
Rareza glared at him.   
  
Goth Gyrl, witnessing this little scene, decided it'd be a good idea to get Rareza away from Wolverine. She walked up to Rareza, yanked her away from Wolverine, and said, "We need you to help us kill the President. He's put a ban on coffee. That's why the author, Chigliak, brought you back."  
  
Rareza looked at Goth Gyrl coldly. "I don't DO teamwork."  
  
"You'd better, or Chigliak's going to do something horrible to you!"  
  
Rareza laughed, in a kind of bitter tone, "Chigliak won't DO a thing to me. I'm her best character. I'm her favorite. Why would she screw with me?" She went back to Wolverine, and was about to proposition him, when Goth Gyrl once again interrupted.   
  
"Lay off him, bitch! He's mine!"  
  
"I don't see your name on him."  
  
"That can be arranged!"   
  
"AUGHHHHH!!! Put that marker away, dammit! It's permanent!"  
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At this point, Gambit had gone off to sell tickets to the cat fight, Cyclops was watching the event in irritation, Wolverine was becoming the casualty of a smelly, permanent marker, and Bandit, getting bored, had gone back to the X-Mansion, found Kurt, and ran to Vegas with him to elope. Along the way, they came across Gambit, grabbed him, and had one of the first legalized three-person weddings in Las Vegas.   
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Natas, however, had found something else to do. Seeing that the original mission was going nowhere, he got out of the Crucifixxer and hitchhiked to Washington, DC, and to the White House.   
  
He slipped in through the chimney, and immediately found himself in the Oval Office.  
  
And surrounded by security guards.  
  
"What are you doing here?" one of the guards yelled at him.  
  
Natas thought quickly, then realizing to the extent of just how much Dubya sucked, decided the truth would work in this case. "I'm here to kill Dubya Bush!" he confessed. "Banning coffee was the last straw! I just couldn't take it anymore...I HAVE to DESTROY him!"  
  
The guards put down their guns. "He's just across the hall," the first guard told him, pointing. "Right over there."  
  
"Thanks!" Natas said, starting to leave the room, then paused. "Can I borrow your gun?"  
  
"Yeah, sure," the guard said. "Anything to get rid of that God-awful president." He tossed his gun over to Natas, who ran out of the room and to the room Dubya was in.  
  
"Prepare to die, Dubya!" he screamed.  
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"Where's Natas?" Cyclops demanded.  
  
Goth Gyrl, Rareza, and Wolverine stopped their fight and looked around.   
  
"Haven't seen th' kid," Wolverine grumbled, annoyed, because now they were going to have to look for him.   
  
"Maybe he left without us," Goth Gyrl suggested. "Hitchhiked there, I mean."  
  
Rareza sighed. "Does this mean I still have to remain in this stupid fic?"  
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"Who the hell are you?" George Bush, Sr. asked. He and Dubya were sitting in a room with a view, where he was tediously training Dubya to say all the things Bush Sr. would've said, had he been president again.   
  
"I'm Natas! And in the name of rock, you cannot live! Prepare to die!" With that, Natas shot both Bushes to a bloody pulp.  
  
Right after they were destroyed, Cyclops, Goth Gyrl, Bloodlust Boy, Wolverine, and Rareza all ran into the room. "Natas! Why th' hell din't you wait for us?" Wolverine yelled. "Now this guy's dead, and we didn't even get a chance t'help kill him!"  
  
Everyone was pissed until Bloodlust pointed out, "There's still all the other people in the White House. We can kill them, and get on to Part Two of Operation Kill the White House."  
  
Everyone was cheered by this news, and a happy, chaotic bloody mess ensued, till there was no one left alive in the White House but the six fighters for coffee.  
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"Here's our latest check!" Goth Gyrl said happily, as she entered the X-Mansion, waving an envelope.  
  
"You could knock, you know," the Professor told her. "And where's my share?"  
  
"Why should you get ANY of it?" Goth Gyrl whined. "We did all the work!"  
  
"Because I know all about this, and can blackmail you as it pleases me," the Professor responded.   
  
Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy sighed, and parted with some of their cash, handing it over to Professor Xavier.  
  
Cyclops entered the room, and upon seeing the Crazed Duo, went to get his share of the money.   
  
"Where's my Wolverine?" Goth Gyrl asked.  
  
"In his room," Cyclops replied, counting his share. He failed to mention, however, WHO Wolverine was with.  
  
"AUGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" Goth Gyrl screamed, and raced back into the room. "Cyclops, you asshole! Why didn't you tell me that slut, Rareza, was in there!"  
  
"I'm sorry," Cyclops apologized, insincerely. "I must have forgotten."  
  
Goth Gyrl glared at the Professor, "Do you KNOW what they're doing in there?!"  
  
"The same thing they've been doing, every night, I assume. Or am I wrong?"  
  
"You promised him to me!"  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Yes! We gave up our CAR for that!"  
  
The Professor raised a hand to his head and concentrated for a moment. *You will forget any of this ever happened,* he thought.   
  
Goth Gyrl stopped ranting. She looked confused. "Where am I?" she asked.  
  
"You were askin' for directions," Wolverine said, walking into the room, with Rareza at his side, dressed in a scanty silk nightie that left nothing to the imagination. "To an O-Town concert."   
  
Rareza smiled sweetly. "You were off to kill the members of that "band." Remember?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Well, you were," the Professor confirmed. "And you accidentally ran your car, The Crucifixxer, into our mansion last week. You'd given it to us to help with the payments."  
  
"And were just coming here to give us your check for the rest!"  
  
"Oh...this?" Goth Gyrl asked. "Here you go," she said, handing it to the Professor, who quickly pocketed it.  
  
Bloodlust Boy rubbed his eyes. "We'd better get going," he told Goth Gyrl.  
  
"Out to avenge rock!" she declared happily. The Crazed Duo left.  
  
"Well," Rareza remarked, "That was easy." She looked over at the Professor. "How much is that check worth?"  
  
"Five billion."  
  
"Five BILLION?" Rareza's eyes widened slightly.   
  
"You know how it is. Americans eat too much meat."  
  
"And they're ignorant," Wolverine added. "They wouldn't know a real piece of meat if it was advertised to them." He put a hand around Rareza's shoulder, and the couple went back to Wolverine's bedroom.  
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EPILOGUE  
  
After Dubya was killed, Natas was hailed as a God. Many shrines were made to him, and people traveled from all over the world to be in his presence. Coffee was once again allowed, and people all over the country rejoiced.  
  
Kalsedony Productions took over the cannibalistic meat campaign, and continued to sell well. In fact, people-meat sales went so well, White House corpses quickly ran out, and the company was forced to look to new sources for a supply. They managed to overcome this problem by taking all the corpses from the teenyboppers and pop tarts that Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy killed, and using them.  
  
Goth Gyrl and Bloodlust Boy never remembered anything from their escapades with the X-Men.  
  
Rareza and Wolverine had sex a lot, until the author got tired of the two acting like horny rabbits, and finally wrote Rareza out of the story.  
  
And The Crucifixxer continued to kill many more teenyboppers, until all of them were finally destroyed, and the world became a better place for rock fans.  
  
THE END  
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Author: Gimme reviews! Please? Tell me how incredibly screwed up that was!   
  



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